BALM for the Burn: Responding Instead of Reacting

Chris Meehan, MFT
5 days ago
3 min read

When Recovery Gets Personal:

How to Handle Blame from Loved Ones in Recovery

(For Family Members and Caregivers)

You want to help. You’ve tried. You’ve read the books, gone to therapy, maybe even emptied your bank account trying to get your son, daughter, partner, or sibling into recovery. And now that they’re in treatment—finally—you find yourself getting blindsided by something you didn’t expect:

Blame.

Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it’s savage. But either way, it stings.

Common Blame Statements You Might Hear:

“You were never there for me.”
“You’re the reason I drank.”
“This is all your fault.”

And if you’re human (which I assume you are), your first reaction is probably… well, a reaction. Anger. Defensiveness. Hurt. Wanting to scream, “Are you serious right now?”

But here’s something a couple in a recent parent support group shared—something that surprised even me, a therapist who’s sat with this stuff for years.

They’re East Coasters. Direct, no-nonsense people. Their relative, now in a

trauma and recovery program, was throwing everything at them—

blame, accusations, old wounds. And instead of snapping back, they used something simple:

B.A.L.M.

(A Powerful Tool for Handling Blame in Recovery)

What is B.A.L.M.?

It’s an acronym—originally used in child development circles—but strikingly helpful for anyone dealing with emotionally reactive loved ones, especially those in recovery:

B = Be With
A = Acknowledge
L = Listen
M = Mirror

Let’s Break It Down

Be With

This is about presence. Not fixing, not defending, not strategizing—just being there. Regulated. Calm. Grounded. When someone is spiraling or blaming, your first job isn’t to correct them. It’s to stay in the room without joining the chaos.

Hard? Incredibly. Necessary? Absolutely.

Because nervous systems regulate nervous systems. And if you can stay grounded, you’re already interrupting the cycle.

Acknowledge

This isn’t about agreeing. It’s about validating the emotional experience without getting pulled into the accuracy of the narrative.

Examples:

“You’re really hurt by how things were.”
“It sounds like you’ve carried this for a long time.”
“I can hear how angry you are.”

Acknowledgment is like saying, “I see you”—without giving up your perspective.

Listen

Really listen. Without prepping your rebuttal. Without planning your exit.

Sometimes people in recovery need to speak their pain before they can actually metabolize it. That doesn’t mean you’re a punching bag. It just means you’re creating the space they never had. A space that says, “You matter enough for me to hear you, even when it’s hard.”

Mirror

This is where you reflect back what you heard—not like a therapist, but like a parent, sibling, or friend.

Examples:

“So what I’m hearing is, it wasn’t just the drinking—it was the loneliness.”
“You felt like I didn’t notice what was really going on with you.”

Mirroring helps the other person feel known. And when people feel known, they start to soften. Even if just a little.

But What About Boundaries?

Good question. B.A.L.M. isn’t about accepting abuse or enabling manipulation. It works best in tandem with clear boundaries. You can say, “I want to hear you, but I won’t stay in this conversation if it turns cruel.”

The key is responding, not reacting.

Why It Works in Recovery

People in early recovery often experience emotional age regression. Alcohol and drugs freeze emotional development. The brain—especially the prefrontal cortex—lags behind. So what you’re dealing with, at times, is a 30-year-old body with a 13-year-old’s coping tools.

And if you’ve ever tried arguing with a 13-year-old, you know where that gets you.

B.A.L.M. offers a way out. Not a fix, not a formula—but a way to stay present in the storm without becoming the storm.

Final Thought

Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do isn’t to solve the problem. It’s to stay in connection while the other person works it out. And sometimes, the only way you can stay in connection is to regulate yourself first.

So if you’re in the blast zone of someone else’s healing, remember: