Why We React in Love—And How to Respond Instead.
- Chris Meehan, MFT
- 5 days ago
- 3 min read
It might not be you ...And it might not be him either.
It might be your nervous systems.
Why We React in Love—And How to Respond Instead
It might not be you. And it might not be him either.
It might be your nervous systems.
You’re having what seems like a simple conversation.
But suddenly, he’s distant.
Withdrawn.
You feel alone—and worse—you feel crazy for even bringing it up.
“He’s cold,” you tell yourself.
“He doesn’t care.”
“I should walk away.”
Maybe. But maybe not.
There’s a truth we don’t talk about enough in relationships—especially
early on, when you’re trying to decode everything:
"Sometimes we’re not
responding to each other.
We’re reacting to our own nervous systems."
When You Push and He Pulls
If you’re someone who values
connection and honesty, a moment
of distance can feel like abandonment. So you lean in,
trying to bring things back to center.
But for someone who grew up in emotional chaos or shame,
your reaching out can feel like pressure—or danger.
And when our systems feel overwhelmed?
We shut down.
He may not even know why he’s retreating.
But he is.
And you—trying to fix the rift—may
unintentionally confirm his fear that connection isn’t safe.
Round and round you go.
The Mistake We Make
When this happens, we often jump to one of two conclusions:
1. He’s emotionally unavailable. Time to move on.
2.. I’m too much. Time to silence myself.
Neither is always true.
Here’s the hard part:
You might be a good match.
But your systems aren’t speaking the same language yet.
It’s Not About Tolerating Bad Behavior
Let’s be clear: this isn’t about excusing avoidant or disrespectful behavior.
Boundaries matter.
But before you walk away from someone with potential, ask yourself:
"Am I reacting to him?
Or am I reacting to how his
nervous system reacts to mine?"
Sometimes the issue isn’t incompatibility.
It’s dysregulation. And that can shift—with insight, support, and time.
So What Can You Do?
Pause before reacting. Take a breath. Don’t chase.
Notice your body. Are you feeling abandoned, anxious, angry?
Speak from clarity. “I noticed you pulled back. I’m not upset—I just want to understand.”
Watch how he responds—not just with words, but with presence.
Can he stay? Can he soften?
Those are the signals worth listening to.
Closing Thoughts
If you’ve done the work—therapy, reflection, growth—it’s fair to want someone who can meet you there.
But sometimes, the one who can meet you there just needs a little more room…
And a nervous system that feels safe enough to stay.
We all react in love.
The ones who grow are the ones who learn to respond instead.
If this speaks to you, the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller offers a helpful lens on how anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles shape our patterns in love.
It won’t explain everything, but it might help you see that what you’re experiencing is common—and workable.
or
As a companion, I’ve created a free, printable insight sheet:
“5 Nervous System Quotes That Might Change the Way You Love.”
Short. Thoughtful. Something to pin on the fridge or keep in your journal.
[Click here
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