The Good Parent / Bad Parent Trap: Understanding and Confronting

If you’ve been on the receiving end of splitting, you know the emotional whiplash.

One moment you’re the only one who understands.

The next, you’re the problem.

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You’re pulled close, then shoved away.

The safe harbor one day, the enemy the next.

When it’s your child, client, or loved one, that push–pull can leave you disoriented, frustrated, and worn down. It’s not a compliment when you’re the “good one,” and it’s not the full truth when you’re cast as the “bad one.”

This is a tactic — conscious or not

— that divides, destabilizes, and pulls focus away from real progress.

What Splitting Actually Is

Splitting is a psychological defense mechanism — the inability or refusal to hold mixed feelings about the same person.

Instead of “I love you but I’m angry with you”, it becomes “I love you” or “I hate you”, with nothing in between.

It often develops in people with deep emotional wounds or unstable early attachments. But in practice, it functions like a weapon in relationships:

• Pitting parents against each other

• Derailing therapy

• Making united support almost impossible

How It Shows Up

• Parents played against each other: “Mom said I could.” “Dad doesn’t care about me like you do.”

• Therapist shopping: “I’m only working with the therapist who gets me—this one’s useless.”

• Budget manipulation: “Dad won’t give me money for food, so you have to.”

• Rapid flips in loyalty: idolizing one week, cutting off the next.

• Emergency triangulation: calling one person in a crisis while ignoring the rest.

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Is It Manipulation?

Yes — whether or not it’s intentional.

The person may believe what they’re saying in the moment,

but the effect is the same:

• It creates sides

• It grants them control

• It shields them from accountability

Why They Do It

Splitting often serves to:

• Gain control in a situation that feels unsafe

• Simplify complexity into “safe” vs. “unsafe”

• Avoid accountability by shifting blame

• Protect against vulnerability by elevating one person while discarding another

How to Respond Without Playing the Game

The worst thing you can do is counter splitting with your own black-and-white thinking — firing back with “you’re just manipulating” or “this is always wrong.”

That’s just stepping into the same rigid game.

Instead:

• Set boundaries, not retaliation

• Hold steady and consistent

• Enforce limits the same way, every time

Example:

“I’m willing to discuss money requests during our Sunday check-in. If you ask outside of that, I won’t respond until Sunday.”

That’s not “splitting back.” That’s holding steady.

When to Lower the Boom

Patience is important — but not infinite. Step in firmly when:

1. It’s damaging relationships — parents, team members, or siblings are turning against each other.

2. It’s escalating risk — unsafe choices, financial manipulation, or threats of harm.

3. It’s stalling treatment — therapist-hopping, skipped sessions, or chronic crisis creation.

Helpful vs. Harmful Responses

Helpful:

• Calm repetition of the same limit

• Naming the tactic without attacking the person: “It feels like you want me to take sides. I’m not going to.”

• Offering choices within boundaries: “Now or Sunday — your choice.”

Harmful:

• Moralizing: “That’s bad behavior”

• Joining their side against another supporter

• Changing the rules midstream to “win” the moment

Final Word

Splitting may have roots in deep emotional wounds, but in the family or treatment setting, it’s a destabilizer.

Your job isn’t to fix their psychology — it’s to:

• Recognize the pattern

• Refuse to engage

• Stand firm with your support team

You can understand why it happens without tolerating it.

And you can stay united — especially when someone is trying to pull you apart.

📝 Author Bio:

Chris Meehan, LMFT is a psychotherapist, writer, and speaker exploring the intersections of identity, desire, and the modern search for meaning.

He is on staff at Revolve Trauma Recovery.

**Bonus Case Study: The Push–Pull Game in Real Life**

Scenario:

Alex, 20, is in outpatient treatment for substance use. His parents are divorced but have tried to keep communication open about his recovery.

On Monday, Alex calls his mom in tears:

“Dad doesn’t care about me. He’s controlling my money and won’t give me enough for groceries. I’m starving over here. You’re the only one who understands me.”

Mom feels alarmed and angry. Without checking in with Dad, she sends Alex $200.

On Thursday, Alex texts Dad:

“Mom’s been so hard on me lately. She’s always asking questions and making me feel like a child. I wish you were the one I could talk to.”

Dad feels protective and offers to pay for Alex’s car repair, even though Alex hasn’t mentioned it to Mom.

By the weekend, Mom and Dad are frustrated with each other, wondering if the other is being too controlling or too enabling. Alex has successfully avoided a treatment assignment he didn’t want to complete and has extra cash for other purposes.

What’s Happening for Alex:

• Emotional overload: Can’t tolerate feeling both cared for and challenged by the same person.

• Avoidance of limits: Keeps Mom and Dad out of sync to dodge treatment expectations.

• Short-term relief: Shifts uncomfortable emotions onto others rather than facing them.

• Control: Gains freedom to get what he wants without a united front stopping him.

What’s Happening for the Parents:

• Slipped into “good parent / bad parent” roles without realizing it.

• Each reacted emotionally to Alex’s distress, trying to “rescue” him.

• Lost trust in each other and stopped presenting a consistent message.

Key Takeaway:

Alex isn’t necessarily plotting every move — he’s using a learned pattern to manage fear, discomfort, and control.

Without boundaries,

the pattern destabilizes

the support system and slows recovery.