The Illusion That Life Is Elsewhere
- Chris Meehan, MFT
- 10 hours ago
- 3 min read
By Chris Meehan LMFT
Arthur Miller once wrote:
"And yet one can't forever stand on the shore; at some point, even if filled with indecision, skepticism, reservation and doubt, you either jump in or concede that life is forever elsewhere."¹
Miller doesn't suggest that our doubts disappear. He assumes they don't. We don't wait until we're fearless; we move forward despite our uncertainty.
We like to think we're gathering more information. Sometimes we're just postponing the moment when we have to choose.. Every meaningful decision closes the door on other possibilities, and that loss can feel unsettling. Yet the opposite is rarely discussed.
Not choosing is also a choice.
The person who waits for absolute certainty doesn't preserve every possibility; they gradually surrender them.. Relationships can drift away. Careers stall. Children will grow. Parents age. Health changes. The shore begins to feel safe, but quietly becomes permanent.
Modern psychology has arrived at remarkably similar conclusions.
In a well-known series of studies, psychologist Daniel Gilbert and his colleagues found that people who made a thoughtful choice and could not change their minds ultimately became more satisfied with their decision than those who were free to reverse it. Those who could continually reconsider their choice remained mentally invested in the alternatives, while those whose decision was final gradually embraced what they had chosen. Commitment itself appeared to deepen satisfaction.
Barry Schwartz reached a complementary conclusion in The Paradox of Choice. Drawing on decades of psychological research, he argues that while choice is liberating, an abundance of options can leave us less satisfied because we remain preoccupied with the possibility that something better is just around the corner.
Together, Gilbert and Schwartz describe a modern version of Miller's insight:
The more we live in possibility, the harder it becomes to inhabit reality.
That temptation has become one of the defining features of modern life.
Online dating makes this especially visible. Many dating apps employ the same psychological principles that make slot machines so compelling.
The endless swipe, the unpredictable reward of a new match, and the anticipation that someone even better may be just one swipe away rely on the same reward system that makes slot machines difficult to walk away from. Why? Because the reward is unpredictable, the search itself can become rewarding, sometimes more compelling than the possibility of commitment.²
The issue is bigger than dating.
It is the quiet belief that fulfillment always lies somewhere else: in the next job, the next city, the next relationship, the next purchase waiting behind a "Buy Now" button. . . or even the next version of ourselves. We become so captivated by what might be that we gradually lose contact with what is.
Miller isn't arguing for impulsiveness. Neither am I.
Of course, reflection and Wisdom matter. As well as seeking counsel.
And knowing our own tendencies matters.
Some people do leap too quickly; others can construct increasingly sophisticated reasons to postpone a decision. As a therapist, I've noticed that avoidance can disguise itself as wisdom. We tell ourselves we're being careful, gathering more information, or waiting for the right feeling.
There is a difference between discernment and perpetual searching.
Discernment helps us recognize the path before us.
Perpetual searching keeps convincing us that our real life is somewhere else.
That, to me, is the deeper wisdom in Miller's quote. It isn't simply a call to courage. It is a warning against a habit of mind that forever postpones life in anticipation of something better.
There comes a point when keeping our options open no longer expands our lives,
it prevents us from inhabiting them.
Remaining on the shore eventually becomes its own decision. We don't merely postpone life; we slowly begin living somewhere else in imagination, in possibility, in fantasy about what might have been.
Perhaps that is what Miller was warning us about. Not that uncertainty disappears, but that life eventually
belongs to those willing to enter it.
Notes
1. Arthur Miller, Echoes Down the Corridor: Collected Essays 1944–2000 (New York: Viking, 2000), "The Crucible in History."
2. Psychologists refer to this pattern of unpredictable rewards as variable-ratio reinforcement, a principle first described by B. F. Skinner. It is one of the most powerful schedules of reinforcement because uncertainty itself sustains engagement. Researchers have noted that many digital platforms, including dating apps, incorporate similar reward mechanics.
References
Gilbert, D. T., & Ebert, J. E. J. (2002). Decisions and Revisions: The Affective Forecasting of Changeable Outcomes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(4), 503–514.
Schwartz, B. (2004). The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. HarperCollins.
Skinner, B. F. (1953). Science and Human Behavior. Macmillan.
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